Meet Moana & Mufasa🧡

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It’s been a while since I last posted a blog, so let’s pick it up again! I hope you’re doing well and that your year is off to a great start. This is an exciting year for our family. One big reason is that my eldest daughter will be graduating from high school!

I remember graduating high school like it was yesterday. I completed 5 + 6 VWO in just one year! I was smart, but it wasn’t intelligence that got me through. It was pure determination, big future goals, and an unhealthy amount of discipline. Another major driving force was the fact that my single mom paid too much money for me to attend a private school. That silent pressure screamed at me: Don’t screw this up!

But my biggest motivation was that I couldn’t waitttt to graduate, move to the Netherlands with my then-boyfriend, and start a new life nine airplane hours away from Curaçao. I had wanted that so badly for so long that nothing—absolutely nothing—was going to stop me from achieving it. Laziness, demotivation, or lack of energy? Not an option.

Ten' mi ten!! (Back in the day, this was the hit song about leaving to study abroad)

I went to school every day from early morning until late in the evening. I skipped sports, nights out, and hobbies, all to focus entirely on getting above-average grades. Yet, I always felt like I could have done more.

I know you’ve already picked up on it between the lines: I was an somewhat unhealthy perfectionist. But beside that, I was curious and genuinely loved learning.

This blog isn’t meant to be an epilogue about me, though. It’s just some context to help you understand where I’m coming from and that there was a steep learning curve when it came to teaching “normal” teens and, later, parenting one. Because, guess what? Average teenagers are not as internally driven as I was. And I had to learn how to deal with that.

Said the student after being given a homework assignment...😶

When I first started as a teacher nearly 13 years ago, I put my heart and soul into creating fun, interactive lessons packed with practical exercises. Aside from jumping on tables during lessons (shout-out to the awesome juf Keizer—she actually did this!😄) and re-creating real-life TikTok-style scenarios to engage students, I did everything I could. The students generally enjoyed the experience and participated well in class. So, I was disappointed that it wasn’t enough to get them to put in the effort and work outside of class—whether on assignments or studying for tests.

Why?

This is a question that many parents grapple with, too. I remember one parent at a parent-teacher conference being deeply concerned, almost to tears, that her 12-year-old son wasn’t internally motivated to do the study work required. And others fiercely blaming the lack of internal motivation on the school-system.

But the thing is, to a certain degree of course, this behavior is quite normal.

Internal motivation in children typically grows as they mature. Whether a child is internally motivated or needs more external input—like rewards or consequences—to put in the effort depends on various factors, including brain development, personality, and their environment.

The Teen Brain

The part of the brain responsible for decision-making, understanding long-term consequences, planning, and overall rational thinking is the prefrontal cortex. And what’s the last part of the brain to fully develop in humans? Ding, ding, ding—the prefrontal cortex!

Meanwhile, the older parts of the brain, which allow teens to learn so much faster than adults, don’t rely on deep intellectual contemplation. Instead, they run on feelings!

For example, teens are more sensitive to the “happy chemical” called dopamine. Dopamine is released during moments of immediate rewards and compliments. It’s also a key player in the development of addiction and social-media experts knowingly exploit this—but that’s a topic for another blog post...

So, going back to me as a newbie teacher, this is why even when you put your all into making lessons fun and engaging, it doesn’t necessarily lead to students being more internally motivated to do the work outside of class. This is also important for parents to realize, as sometimes they may be expecting too much independence and maturity from their kids too soon. Development varies per person, but it is known that the prefrontal cortex continues to develop well into the mid-20s.

Personality

Aside from teens just not being developmentally there yet to jump out of bed and happily do their homework on a Sunday morning, their personality also plays a role.

For example, people who lean toward being more introverted, or who are open, curious, and reflective, tend to be more internally motivated. These are the students who go the extra mile on assignments, prefer working alone, and enjoy having the freedom to choose the topic of an essay.

On the other hand, extroverts, or those who are social, agreeable, and sensitive, are often more externally motivated. These are the students who prefer group work and love the competitive element of an assignment.

In the end, everyone is both internally and externally motivated—the question is only to what degree and in what context.

So, to conclude, it is normal for teens to be primarily externally motivated, relying on rewards or consequences to encourage certain behaviors. But as they mature and begin to identify what truly matters to them, they will develop the ability to work toward long-term goals without needing praise or being paid for every step.

Here are some tips on how you as a parent or teacher can empathetically stimulate the development of internal motivation:

Foster autonomy: Allow teens to make choices and take ownership of their decisions. As a parent/teacher, you can assess the right opportunities for this, where the possible consequences are not life-threatening, of course, haha. Then, let them be. Let them enjoy or learn from the consequences (without the traditional: “I told you so”). This builds confidence and helps them connect their actions to personal goals.

Encourage reflection: Help teens reflect on their achievements and failures. Ask open-ended questions like, "What did you enjoy most about this?" or "What did you learn from this experience?"

Model internal motivation: Share your own experiences of pursuing goals for personal fulfillment rather than money and external rewards.

Focus on growth: Praise effort and perseverance over results. This shifts their focus from external rewards (e.g., grades) to internal satisfaction from progress.

Balance rewards: External rewards are fine, but they should be balanced and paired with discussions about why the task or goal matters in the bigger picture. For example, as a teacher, I would reward consistent homework completion with extra credit on test scores, treat the class with the best overall scores to a fun activity, or make assignments competitive with yummy snack prizes.

However, I never gave in to students who insisted they would only study if I paid them—haha! (Yes, this really happened, and it’s been happening more frequently in recent years.)

My daughter is a creative social butterfly who would much rather focus on friends and the Kalogera Sisters on Youtube than on school. So knowing how important this last school year is, I made a deal with her. If she did her best and didn’t have any bad grades on her first report card, she could get the ginger cat she’s been asking for for years.

And guess what? The girl who really does not enjoy learning from books managed to lock in and get one of the best report cards in her class! So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our newborn rescue kittens that have to be fed and taken care of every three hours (a whole other life lesson in itself): Moana & Mufasa.