I Don’t Believe in Gentle Parenting

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Don’t worry—I’m not advocating for abusive parenting either. Just hear me out.

Yesterday, while doom scrolling, I came across a Dutch parody video that hit home. Two parents were trying to get their two-year-old daughter to take a suppository ('zetpil'). They spent over an hour gently talking with her, explaining, and trying to get her consent. Meanwhile, the doctor and nurse sarcastically reminded them that sometimes, adults need to make decisions for children.

You can see the video here: https://www.facebook.com/share/r/16HkW1ThwU/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Like any good parody, the video used exaggeration and humor to shine a light on a deeper issue: as a society, are we going a little too far with this whole “gentle parenting” thing?🫣

What Is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting is rooted in empathy, respect, and connection. The goal is to raise emotionally secure, confident, and cooperative children by guiding rather than punishing them.

Wonderful principles...right?

But in practice? Many of us, in our eagerness to “do better” (than our others? than our parents? ) forget that guidance still requires leadership.

We should absolutely treat children like tiny humans (because that’s what they are!), but we cannot expect the maturity or reasoning of tiny adults.

What I often see is that we confuse being gentle with not saying “no,” not stepping in, not making an unpopular decision and avoiding anything that might upset our child.

Which leads me to wonder: are we sometimes using the term gentle parenting to mask our own discomfort with taking control and being a leader? 🤔

The Consequences of Misapplying It

When we don’t step in, make decisions, or allow natural consequences, we risk doing harm in a different way. Children can start to feel overwhelmed, insecure, or even unsafe when the adults around them seem unsure or overly passive.

Ironically, the “gentler” we become, the more dysregulation, meltdowns and tantrums we face.

Children need to sense that the adults in their lives are clear, consistent, and capable of making decisions, especially when they themselves are falling apart. They instinctively rely on us to provide that safe structur so they can then explore and develop their own sense of self. Even when they resist it.

A Real-Life Example

You can know all the theories and be great at helping other parents and children—but when it comes to your own kids? We all know it’s a whole different ball game..

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. The energy at home was a little “bleh,” so I decided to put my three kids in the car and take them to Maripampoen (the park).

When we got there, my three-year-old suddenly decided she didn’t want to walk.

So, I tried the gentle approach.

I tried talking.

I tried compromising “I’ll carry you for a bit, then you walk.”

I tried negotiating and bribing.

I even tried some blackmail (…. I know I know).

But I had made a promise to myself: Enough. I wasn’t going to give in again, just to avoid a meltdown. (That’s one of my triggers btw; meltdowns.)

So, as I stood my ground.

She threw herself to the ground...

People stared.

A little girl asked her mom, “What’s wrong with that child?”

The mom answered, “Nothing, she’s just spoiled.”

I wanted to bury myself 😖.

But I kept breathing. Kept walking. Eventually, we reached the end of the park’s first round. I sat down and pulled her onto my lap, not saying a word, silently counting backwards so I wouldn’t have a tantrum myself 😩.

But, as I calmed down, bit by bit, she calmed down too.

And then out of the blue she said: “I’m done. I’m going to look in the sand for a pink heart for you.”

I was like: 👀

She got up, brushed herself off, and added: “I’m ready to walk now. I’m not a baby anymore.”

Me still: 👀

We saw a cute fluffy dog.

She asked if I liked it.

I said yes.

She said, “When I grow up, I’m going to buy you a pink dog.”

👀

And just like that, we walked the whole route again. Happy and bubbly.

We passed the same people. A kind older man saw us and said with a smile, “Looks like you went to war and came back at peace.”

I laughed and said, “Yep. Life is full of little world wars isn’t it”

I know this needed to happen, and needs to happen more often. I have to stop preventing the meltdowns and instead let them run their course while staying patient, present and holding the boundary. Only then can my child learn how to move through big emotions. Only then will I grow, too.

So, What Am I Arguing For?

Conscious parenting.

Learn all the theories you want: gentle parenting, positive parenting, peaceful parenting, zen parenting, but don’t follow any method blindly.

Do the inner work. Develop the self-awareness to recognize when you’re triggered and when your response is about you—not about what your child truly needs in that moment.

Only then can you see your child clearly and respond appropriately.

Sometimes that means giving space.

Sometimes that means holding a boundary, even if it causes distress.

And here’s the magic: when you learn to handle that distress, your child will learn they can handle it, too.

If you can’t handle the distress? That’s the gift your child is offering you. They’re holding up a mirror, showing you where you need to grow.

Final Thoughts

Gentle parenting isn’t the problem.

Unconscious parenting masked as gentle parenting is.

Our kids don’t need perfection.

They don’t need all their wants met.

What they do need is our loving presence and confident leadership.

The sunset after the storm at Maripampoen